A lot of my girlfriends have been having guy problems lately and I thought it was about time f0r a blog on love. Now before you nay-sayers (the ones rolling your eyes) click away from my page, I promise it won’t be full of the reasons why Rob is the best boyfriend in the world (although he is) and it won’t be filled with sappy love stories (even though I’m FULL of them). I know I haven’t been single in awhile but if anything, I’ve lived vicariously through my girlfriends and the problems they’ve had with men. So here are my observations on bagging a good man and other thoughts:
(*Disclaimer: If you’re not interested in finding a boyfriend, than these points may not apply to you. I don’t want an e-mail from an outraged reader who “doesn’t need a man and therefore doesn’t need my help”. Lol, I understand it’s not for everyone)
1. Date at least 1 bad boy, and get him out of your system. I believe the #1 problem with most women and love lives, is their taste in men. My advice: Date at least 1 bad boy, get burned and move on. Something about a bad boy is so appealing because they’re adventurous and unpredictable and sexy. Well, often times those exact traits are the recipe for a cheater. And adventure isn’t found in a person, it’s found in the things you do when you find someone you want to adventure with. Anything is an adventure as long as you find someone to enjoy it with; it’s all a manner of perspective. Also, in matters of taste, the guys who are overlooked are often times the ones worth our time. Shy guy in the corner is more likely to work harder at a relationship than life-of-the-party who has women all over him at the club. Does it take more work to get to know shy guy? Probably. Worth it? I think so.
2. Make yourself worth the wait. First way to turn a future boyfriend into a short-term fling is to give away too much too soon. I know plenty of people will call me prude or old fashioned, but I genuinely think that sex is something that should be reserved for two people who have agreed to maintain monogamy. And “I think we’re dating” or “He’s acting like we’re a couple” don’t count. I mean legitimately a couple, verbally expressed with sincerity. But aside from sex and hooking up, even making yourself too available to him is a no no. I’d say for the first couple dates, space them out in a weekly manner and reserve flirty texts for the days in between. Once things become more solid, allow him to jeopardize more of your schedule but until he makes you a definite priority (aka girlfriend status) don’t cancel your plans or make him a priority. A big mistake I know many girls do is as soon as they find a guy worth dating, suddenly they drop off the face of the planet to their friends but they always seem available for time with the guy. In the beginning of any relationship, less is more.
3. Setting the bar too high is setting yourself up for failure. So to say that my girlfriends and women everywhere have high expectations, is an understatement. Especially the older we get, the more we tend to expect from men, whether it be income, goals and aspirations or even personal hygiene.We expect a guy past the age of 21, to not look and act like a neanderthal. Granted, I think that is fair. However, years of telling ourselves we deserve better (after that jerk that broke our heart 5 years ago), there comes a time when we expect too much of men. The truth of the matter is (Dear males, this may incite rage) Men need to be trained. And yes I wrote that statement with full knowledge Rob will read this and he won’t be offended, let me tell you why. Women are crazy. Biologically, we drew the short end of the stick when it comes to emotions and we are straight up crazy sometimes. The trick to mine and Rob’s relationship, he now knows how to handle my crazy. So here’s the deal, no guy is perfect from the get-go and it’ll only drive you more crazy if you expect that much. Disney’s Princes unfortunately are NOT real and therefore we should make do with what we have (LOL jk men) and set realistic ideas of men. I’m not saying date just anyone, I mean when you find a guy worth the time, give him the benefit of the doubt that he just didn’t know better, before jumping to conclusions.
4. In a somewhat contradictory point, Trust your gut. The lecture I mentioned two posts back had an amazing point about trusting your instincts. Dr. Ruiz said that all it takes to make a good decision is to have 40-70% of the facts and data. When I heard this statistic myself, I was skeptical since he was a surgeon and I would prefer my surgeon to have 99-100% of the facts. But when he explained that under 40% is too little knowledge and that attempting to achieve over 70% is usually unrealistic and unlikely, it seemed to make sense. This point is more to my girlfriends who have been burned by guys or may be currently doubting their relationship. If you have 40-70% of the facts, that’s enough to make a decision. If you don’t have 40%, don’t act rashly. If you’re trying to get over 70%, you’re prolonging a decision you’ve already made. AND frankly this really applies to men who are cheating. If you 70% believe your man is cheating on you (and I mean you truly believe that, as well as others around you), then you’re most likely right. Along with our god-given hormones, came a strong ability to read emotions.
5. Be thoughtful and selfish at the same time. When you’ve almost got him hooked and you think it’s goinggreat, take a step forward by taking a small step back. A big problem with women and relationships (even friendships) is that when we’re invested, we’re INVESTED. Suddenly all we want to do spend time with said boyfriend/friend when in actuality, that clingy-ness will kill the fire. Guys too get wrapped up in love, suddenly wanting to see us 3-4 times a week and sometimes ditching that Monday night Guys night, for a cuddle sesh with yours truly (hehe). But I suggest finding ways to be thoughtful without having to constantly being around. Slip an extra $10 in his pocket while you force him out for Monday Guys night with a post-it that says “Have an extra beer (or 2) on me!”. Or offer to have his guy friends over for some home-cooked food and some poker, while you host but stay out of the way. At the same time, make sure to still do the things you enjoy like salsa night with your girlfriends or that spontaneous trip to Vegas you’ve always been planning. It’s especially important to make personal time important in the beginning of a relationship, because it sets the tone for the rest of the relationship. This was a lesson learned from Rob and I, when I was virtually incapable of sharing him for the first 6 months of our relationship. Hence, 5 years later we’re still struggling to get adjusted to “me” or “him” time and although we love being together, it makes a couple stronger when both partners have some personal time. We’re getting better at it but it’s still something we’re working on 🙂
6. Lastly, Have faith and stop looking. The more you look, the faster they run. Go out to more places than you normally would, and legitimately have a good time. Whether its a club, a bar, restaurant, the less you look like a hawk on the prowl for prey and the more you look like the life of the party, the better. I’ve always heard that the more time you spend looking for a man, the harder it is to find one and although I have no personal experience in this, it logically makes sense to enjoy yourself and maybe fate will just send one your way. Just think, by having a good time and looking great (which is already a positive) you may just stumble upon a relationship you never had before (double positive). AND there are plenty of women who have fun without ever needing a man so more power to you!
I don’t know if any of this is helpful or not but it worked for me, so I guess its worth a shot? Good luck!
Feel free to leave me a comment with feedback or just to say hello! 🙂