Wasn’t this what College was for?

Happy Thursday!

I knew my 24th birthday came and went too easily. Identity crisis was soon to follow. Initiating full panic yesterday afternoon.

I’m struggling friends, I’m struggling with deciding what I’m supposed to do with the rest of my life. Now, more than any other point in my life, I’m completely lost on what my life is leading up to. I’ve always been such a driven individual, with clear goals and the motivation to get there. But lately, I’m feeling unsettled and frankly, completely lost. Isn’t this what college was for?

Source for quote/Graphic made by me

At my core, I am an all-or-nothing person. People who really know me, know when I get a pet fish, I will know EVERYTHING there is to know about that fish. I’ll spend hours on forums making sure his behavior is normal, that his tank is the right temperature or that he is happy. Within the first month, they’ll see him in a 10 gallon tank with his decorative rock and live plants changed twice a month. And they know that when he died, I cried like an absolute baby (Truthfully, I’m tearing up right now writing this…Miss you Avatar). I don’t do anything lightly my friends, even owning a $2.99 fish. This is my explanation for why I can’t just “try” something out and hope it works out. It will either work out or I will make it work out.

Avatar, the best betta I ever knew.

I graduated college 2 years ago and was incredibly fortunate enough to get a research position in the field I majored in at a well known Neurodevelopmental Institute. Graduate school was ALWAYS on the horizon but I purposefully chose not to apply while I was in college because I wanted to enjoy my last year of college and because I wasn’t 100% sure what program I wanted. So I started work full time, but grad school was always in the plan.

Fast forward 2 years and I’ve realized that research isn’t what I want to do for my life. This takes a Ph.D. out of the running since it involves an intense amount of research. Now I’m left to ponder Psy.D programs or Masters programs in Psychology for grad school. Then, I started this blog and discovered my immense passion for event planning, crafting and photoshop. At parties I’ve planned for work, one of our psychologists even mentioned that I could make more money party planning and suggested I look into it seriously. After months of receiving those compliments, a dim lightbulb started to shine brighter and brighter, until it started to overshadow the plans I had made all along.  This new creative side that I didn’t even know existed is competing with what my logical self has been planning on for YEARS. Could I really make a living out of my hobby? What about all the work I already did for my degree?

So now I’m stuck.

Stuck because I’m not sure which psych graduate program I want to apply for (All I know is I want to counsel somehow)
Stuck because I can’t shake this feeling that I could maybe do what I love everyday and even get paid to do it?
Stuck because I’ve worked so hard to gain experience and knowledge in a particular field already.
Stuck because the honest truth is I have bills to pay, student loans to pay off and I can’t do that on a dream alone. Now a degree, it does pay and no matter what anyone says, money has to count for something.
Stuck because grad school is expensive…and more loans won’t help with the next point below this one.
Stuck because I’m 24 and (I’m going to be frighteningly honest) I want at least 1 kiddo before I’m 28-29.
Stuck because I desperately miss being in school and I know I’m meant for more education someday, somehow.

Basically every thought in my head contradicts itself. I didn’t even mention that my ultimate goal in life is to first and foremost, be a Mom someday, and a good one at that. This will probably mean staying home with the kids for at least a year or so in the beginning. So all these things combined, I swear my head is going to explode. I want it all friends.

 WHY can’t we have it all?

I’m not begging for advice or suggestions (although they are welcome, I mean I did pour this all out on you and you’re still reading) but if anything, I’m looking to know I’m not alone in my complete and utter confusion. When you chose to continue schooling, or when you chose your career path, was it as clear as day? Are you currently still in the dark like me? Did you feel like the path you chose was what you were meant to do? This article was on Facebook the other day and it was SO relevant, it hurts. Read it!

LOL love this. Source

Sorry if this blog post is somewhat of a debby downer. At the end the day, I’m incredibly lucky to have attended college, to have great options and the time to pursue them, now if only I could just live and let live, I would enjoy my 20s more!

Plus, I’ve already got Rob and that’s half the battle isn’t it? Someone to weather the storm with? And celebrate your success?

Don’t forget you can still totally join in with Let’s Get Physical October! Link up is open until Friday at 11:00 pm PST.

Even if you don’t have a blog to link up or for them to visit, stop by the blogs of the ladies who linked up and give them some encouragement because their participation really made my day! Plus they rock, simple as that.

Thanks for reading ❤

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